.broken.
Sorry it's been a while for a blog. No excuses really, just haven't taken the time to type one. The past several weeks have been really something. To be honest, I've experienced pain that I didn't know existed. My heart has hurt so bad I felt physically ill. I spent a lot of my days finding ways to keep myself from crying and a lot of my nights with my face in my tear soaked pillow. But I've also trusted more than I've ever trusted in my life. I've hoped more and dreamt more and realized that there are more possibilities for me right now than there have ever been... Because I'm broken.
Details don't matter as to the cause of the pain... but if rejection is the birthplace of insecurity, my heart has become a nursery. So I'd decided to deal with it the best way I know how... bury it. Is that the right thing to do? I don't know. It seemed to be an easy fix in the moment. I'd begun to take all of the small to medium sized annoying things that happen on a day to day basis, and blow them out of proportion in order to try and forget about this playground of hurt. But when it boils down to it... all of those things are just silly and will be fixed in time. This heartache though... if not dealt with... could suck the life right out of me.
So where does this trust thing, this hope thing, and this possibilities thing come into play in the middle of this emotional breakdown? A trip to Taco Bell... I know... I know sounds silly... just stick with me.
I went to Taco Bell one afternoon with Amanda to just grab something real quick and then go help Greg clean his house. I went to get my drink... and there, in the line, she was... A girl no older than 11 years of age, she stood on the outside of the group she had come with. She was the only girl with these guys who had to be at least 15 to 16 years old. She looked like she had been put through the ringer, used, and abused to the utmost of the utmost. It wasn't just her appearance that launched me passed pity and straight into compassion. I looked her right in the eyes and smiled with as much love as I could possibly show on my face. She looked back at me like a picture... no change in expression, no life. She had no hope. This was the straw that broke my heart completely and brought perspective to all of my personal pain by taking my eyes off of me.
She is the reason I must trust, I must hope, I must make the possibilities realities. Her soul, her pain... these are the reasons I must endure mine. We are two kinds of broken... I have a will that has been broken and submitted to the Hope of glory that she so desperately needs. We both have been neglected and rejected, but I still have One I can trust, I can place my hope in. She MUST know Him too.
I had no idea what to do in the moment that I saw her, and I still don't know what I would have done different. I suppose I could have offered her the only thing that could have really saved her. I suppose I could have looked passed my pain and my pride and shared with her the reason I'm still alive and give her something to live for. I don't know what I would have done or could have done exactly... But I know what I can do now for the many just like her that need hope, that need to trust, that need Jesus.
I can place me lower and lift Him higher that all men will be drawn to Him.
Sure, hurt is hurt. Whether you are shot in the arm or in the heart, fatal or not, pain is pain. But as I am becoming less and He is becoming more, I am beginning to understand, even if only a itty bitty smidge, what this verse means....
"For the joy that was set before Him, He endured the cross."
I can do this.
Details don't matter as to the cause of the pain... but if rejection is the birthplace of insecurity, my heart has become a nursery. So I'd decided to deal with it the best way I know how... bury it. Is that the right thing to do? I don't know. It seemed to be an easy fix in the moment. I'd begun to take all of the small to medium sized annoying things that happen on a day to day basis, and blow them out of proportion in order to try and forget about this playground of hurt. But when it boils down to it... all of those things are just silly and will be fixed in time. This heartache though... if not dealt with... could suck the life right out of me.
So where does this trust thing, this hope thing, and this possibilities thing come into play in the middle of this emotional breakdown? A trip to Taco Bell... I know... I know sounds silly... just stick with me.
I went to Taco Bell one afternoon with Amanda to just grab something real quick and then go help Greg clean his house. I went to get my drink... and there, in the line, she was... A girl no older than 11 years of age, she stood on the outside of the group she had come with. She was the only girl with these guys who had to be at least 15 to 16 years old. She looked like she had been put through the ringer, used, and abused to the utmost of the utmost. It wasn't just her appearance that launched me passed pity and straight into compassion. I looked her right in the eyes and smiled with as much love as I could possibly show on my face. She looked back at me like a picture... no change in expression, no life. She had no hope. This was the straw that broke my heart completely and brought perspective to all of my personal pain by taking my eyes off of me.
She is the reason I must trust, I must hope, I must make the possibilities realities. Her soul, her pain... these are the reasons I must endure mine. We are two kinds of broken... I have a will that has been broken and submitted to the Hope of glory that she so desperately needs. We both have been neglected and rejected, but I still have One I can trust, I can place my hope in. She MUST know Him too.
I had no idea what to do in the moment that I saw her, and I still don't know what I would have done different. I suppose I could have offered her the only thing that could have really saved her. I suppose I could have looked passed my pain and my pride and shared with her the reason I'm still alive and give her something to live for. I don't know what I would have done or could have done exactly... But I know what I can do now for the many just like her that need hope, that need to trust, that need Jesus.
I can place me lower and lift Him higher that all men will be drawn to Him.
Sure, hurt is hurt. Whether you are shot in the arm or in the heart, fatal or not, pain is pain. But as I am becoming less and He is becoming more, I am beginning to understand, even if only a itty bitty smidge, what this verse means....
"For the joy that was set before Him, He endured the cross."
I can do this.
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